🦆 Current Mallard Aggression Index
ELEVATED: HIGHLY NEGOTIABLE
"Please note: Breadcrumbs are considered an insult. Direct eye contact is considered a challenge. If a mallard demands your boots, simply hand them over to avoid further bureaucratic incident."
Sector 4: The 50-Acre Micro-Trenching Initiative
Offenders convicted of chronic weaponized incompetence are assigned to the southern 50 acres. Your task is to clear the invasive root systems and dig proper irrigation ditches. You will be provided with one (1) rusted three-inch hand trowel. Magic is strictly neutralized in this sector.
PENALTY FOR COMPLAINING: If an offender states, "I don't know how to do this," the acreage resets, and a highly aggressive Mallard Supervisor will be assigned to peck their shins until competence is achieved.
Sector 2: Stall Mucking & Feather Reclamation
The magical mallards are deeply, existentially distressed by the reality of their own molting. Stewards are required to meticulously muck the enclosures while carefully retrieving every single fallen feather. You must offer words of quiet reassurance to the poultry during this process to prevent a depressive spiral.
PENALTY FOR COMPLAINING: Failing to collect a stray feather—or sighing too loudly while doing so—will trigger a flock-wide panic response. The offender will be aggressively chased into the muck and fined for "Emotional Neglect of Sanctioned Poultry."
Sector 7: Apiary Management & Bakery Provisioning
Stewards are tasked with keeping the local bakery fully stocked with honey and provisions. Because the sheer, vibrating panic of an incompetent steward deeply upsets the hives, an Agister of the Third Arm of the Gendarmes must remain on standby to administer a continuous "calm-down-bees" weave. Let it be formally noted on the record: this weave is strictly for the benefit of the bees.
PENALTY FOR EXPLOITATION: It is an unfortunate, entirely unintended side effect that the steward also experiences a profound sense of inner peace while the weave is active. Any steward caught intentionally stressing the bees to receive a dose of unauthorized tranquility will be immediately reassigned to the 50-Acre Micro-Trenching Initiative.