Detention & Administrative Complex
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📍 EXPECT ACCIDENTS 📍
The Atmosphere: If the walls shift, it is normal; if the walls speak, it is a clerical error; and if the walls file a complaint against an inmate, it is legally binding.
I'm legally obligated to apologize to you. This is not a comfort zone, a help desk, or a sanctuary. All regrets are final. If you are sure, you are likely mistaken. If you need to register your birth anniversary, join a guild, apply for authorized ego-deflation (legalized bullying), or file a dissatisfaction form, please visit the Giltway Registration offices. If you want a mini law book or pocket orrey. Best if you think you'll be getting into mischief or anything foolish. Visit the, High Chancerlley Please approach the desk slowly; the floor sensors are still calibrating after last week’s incident.
Front Desk: Scribe Fiona
Good morning, afternoon, or whatever temporal designation you believe applies. Welcome to the Administrative Lobby of Regret, where all inquiries, complaints, and existential crises must be filed in triplicate. If this is your first visit, we apologize in advance. If this is your second visit, we apologize more. Any and all matters of consequence, inconvenience, and questionable decision‑making are processed here. Please leave your dignity in the bucket provided near the door. No one has any here and yours is a reminder of that. If you have documents, they will be reviewed for legibility, plausibility, and narrative cohesion. Illegible handwriting may result in reassignment of your dominant hand. Please ensure all paperwork is both completed and emotionally consistent. If you are unsure, remain unsure quietly.
If you are carrying documents, place them face‑down on the counter so they cannot see what you’ve done. If you are not carrying documents, don’t worry, we will assign you some shortly. Should you experience dizziness, existential dread, or the sudden urge to confess something you haven’t done yet, please take a number and wait for your name to be mispronounced. If you are here to file a complaint, please note that the complaint forms are in a mood today. The building can smell fear, but it rarely acts on it before lunch. How may I assist you today?
Your outcome is important to us in theory. (You will not enjoy your stay).
Any assistance you do receive is accidental. If you are unsure why you are here, the building will determine a reason shortly. THE FERRETS ARE AWARE OF YOU. Do not encourage them. Do not ask about the circle they are forming. Do not bring up the Rackets.
Authorized personnel may proceed directly to the external Gendarme Main Offices to process active litigation tags or cross-reference historical processing logs.
Rooms of Forced Containment (Jail)
Assisting Intake Desk: Sub-Scribe Pumphrey
If you find Fiona's dynamic energy "exhausting," you are welcome to present your processing stamps to Sub-Scribe Pumphrey. Pumphrey has been with the Giltway Complex for forty-two years and has successfully managed to care about absolutely none of them. He specializes in the processing of immediate asset forfeiture and high-offense agricultural infractions.
Please do not make sudden movements near his ledger; his inkwell is incredibly temperamental, and if he spills a single drop, he is legally authorized to reset your entire wait time by sixteen hours. If you are here regarding the tree-fertilization incident, please stand three paces further back. He can still trace the ambient effluence on your boots, and he is out of mint-scented clearing salts.
📋 Live Blotter Desk Intake
A heavy slab of black oak stained with permanent ink. This is where incoming entities are processed, stripped of non-registered arcana artifacts, and assigned their temporary litigation tags.
Reinforced with cold iron matrices. Currently holding one custom cape-billowing generator and three jars of illegal maple-flavored tithing syrup seized from contraband smugglers.
A massive leather book listing active municipal services. Current enforcement action requires 14 offenders to maintain the public mallard sanctuary before the weekend reset.
Station Controls
Cell 4-B: Mnemonic Scrubbing Stations
Reserved strictly for individuals attempting to bypass legal protocols by demanding, "Do you know who my father is?" Paternal memory extraction is scheduled automatically upon intake.
Inmate #8801: Julian of the Upper Spires. Attempted to counter an agricultural licensing fine by citing his family lineage. Extraction successful. Inmate currently cannot remember why his clothes are expensive.
Inmate #8802: Lady Beatrice. Threatened a Gendarme with ancestral curses. Process pending; father has already been sent an automated notice that he is now legally childless.
Cell 9: Renaming & Transit Station
Inmates here have completed their administrative processing and are currently awaiting their new identities before immediate relocation to the outer territories.
Former Identity: Bartholomew the Bold.
New Designation: Inmate Nightsoil-Sprout. The courts have declined the request for choice at this time. The most uncomfortable name was chosen. Detained for the third offense of missing the tithing due date. First offense for the incorrect & offensively improper choice of fertilizer. Atheria looks at you in disgust sir.
Former Identity: Guildmaster Thwice.
New Designation: Inmate 104-Stool. Assigned to the Sub-basement Echo Chambers for acoustic dampening duty.
The Ferret Department
Deployment Protocols:
When a Watcher, a Magistrate, or a Bard needs a ferret for an investigation or trial, they must officially "check out" the asset through this Office.
Asset Welfare Controls:
The Drift-Vets mobile vet clinic conducts regular, unannounced surprise audits across all wings to ensure field ferrets are not being actively bribed with sweet cream, overworked, or denied proper burrowing material.
If you're a ferret (we know you can read) or know of a ferret in need of representation, our excellent lawyers are always at the ready for any and all your legal needs. Come visit us, at the Law offices of Mustelid Affairs
Active Bounties & Alerts
Please report all sightings to the main desk counter immediately. Do not attempt apprehension yourself.
⚠️ WANTED FERRET
Name: Moustache
Escaped from the academy. He is not mean, just incredibly disrespectful and entirely unfit for civic service. He communicates in our language, but if you chirp at him, he will occasionally chirp back. Contact Phlegm Soupy Stephanie (555-5565).
⚠️ TIMELINE SWINDLER
Wanted for attempting to sell Timeline Customization Machines, only to swindle citizens into purchasing empty boxes. Upon recent confrontation, the perpetrator dryly claimed his machines "simply only went forward in time and at regular speed." May be armed.
⚠️ RESONANCE THIEF
Captured by hand drawing while fleeing the scene of a local farmer's Dream Silk Farm. Believed to be of highly nefarious and wicked intent. Do not approach.