📍Regret Level 3 Is Strictly Enforced • Expect Accidents 📍
Gendarme Headquarters Portal: Authorized personnel may proceed directly to the Gendarme's Specially Enhanced Occular building to process active litigation tags or cross-reference historical processing logs.
Scribe Fiona's desk sits in the middle of the room, on it, a paperweight of a strange badger named Vladigula, sits slightly askew in the corner. It looks at you with ominous disappointment. The ambient lighting from the candles and the lit incense, does not succeed at producing a calming aura despite the obvious attempts.
Good morning, afternoon, or whatever temporal designation you're currently experiencing. You are in the Detention & Administrative Complex of Regret and we ask that you leave your dignity in the bucket provided near the door. No one has any here and yours is a reminder of that. If this is your first visit, we apologize in advance. If this is your second visit, we apologize more.
Be sure to fill out all documents yourself and they are emotionally consistent. Illegible handwriting may result in reassignment of your dominant hand. It is permanent, as we have neither the time nor the skills to perform a reverse amputation procedure at this time. You are held responsible for the penmanship quality of your documents regardless of who was conned into filling them out.
Should you experience dizziness, existential dread, or the sudden urge to confess something you haven't done yet, please take a number and wait for your name to be mispronounced. If you are here to file a complaint, please note that the complaint forms are in a mood today.
🕯️⋆☽┄┄┄┄┄⋆°✦°⋆┄┄┄┄┄☾⋆🕯️
Your outcome is important to us in theory.
Presided over by Scribe Fiona • Paperweight: Askew Badger named Vladigula (Ominous Disappointment)
Sub-Scribe Pumphrey. Pumphrey has been with the Giltway Complex for forty-two years and has successfully managed to care about absolutely none of them. He specializes in the processing of immediate asset forfeiture and high-offense agricultural infractions.
Welcome to Security Intake. No, we don’t prevent incidents, we categorize them. Please place all belongings, expectations, and minor secrets in the tray. Larger secrets must be declared. If the scanner beeps, that’s normal. If it sighs, you’ll need to step aside for additional scrutiny. If you are here regarding the tree-fertilization incident, please stand three paces further back. He can still trace the ambient effluence on your boots, and he is out of mint-scented clearing salts.
I. Civic Guard:
Enforcers of the "Douchebaggery Prohibitions."
They manage public nuisances, such as, aggressive cutlery,
thunderclap entrances, and unsolicited whistling, and with silver-piped precision.
II. Watchers:
Investigators of concealed malice and flow anomalies. This arm maintains the Riverwatch boathouse in Veilford, monitoring the Rootmother for localized tragedies that cause the water’s resonance to buckle.
III. Wardens:
Enforcers of the Statute of Integrity in Form. They utilize tuning forks to detect "Spite-Iron" or "Lazy Magic" in architecture; to them, a wobbling chair is a physical lie.
IV. Agisters:
The ecological authority. They oversee
agricultural licensing and the management of restorative facilities.
These mages are awaiting transfer to the Punishment Parks. From there, they'll be routed to one of two carriages. One goes to the Farms or the other to Public Pit.
Inmate 04: Arrested for intentionally summoning Scatter-Souls and attempting to make them fight. It backfired, the Scatter-Souls caused him to start arguing with his reflection for six hours on topics he does not fully understand. He went on to switch sides every five minutes and then proceeded to document which side “felt more correct”
Inmate 12: Attempted to animate a marble statue to vote on local tax levies.
Inmate 13: Caught smuggling Guild members Muldberry wine and an "emotional support turnip" at the Confluence Tree canopy.
Wanted for a slew of crimes, all heinous, all felonious. The Gendarme are calling the suspect the 'Serial Repast Destroyer' due to this incident marks the sixth repast destroyed. During a private ceremonius repast, friends gathered to consume fancy finger foods and to mourn the death of a deeply cherished, fictitious character. The fiend, arrived unannounced and in Gross Mastication, Theft of Catharsis, Culinary Terrorism, the suspect, did willfully and with malice aforethought open his mouth-cavity while crushing food particles, creating a hostile auditory environment for seventy-two mourners.
Hello there, the Shenanigan said Cheerfulness was not a requirement so I hope you weren't expecting any. I’m Winter Sunshine, if your concern feels urgent, please sit with that feeling until it becomes manageable or irrelevant. If you must submit one, please submit your documents in a calm, legible panic. Anything submitted in less than triplicate, will be viewed with suspicion. We process concerns in the order they become inevitable. If your complaint resolves itself while you’re waiting, do let us know we enjoy a good mystery. The gentleman at the end of the hall is not staff, but he is taking notes, so act accordingly. And just to be clear, leaving does not void your ticket. It rarely voids anything.
This experimental punishment was reserved for those found guilty of 'Acoustic Phonetic Wastefulness' or 'Gross Misuse of Calligraphy.' Calligraphy being an umbrella term used for any and all writing styles.
For some reason.
This is a snippet of the gross over reach of the guilds. More of this will be released as it benefits the state to do so.
Offender must follow a randomly assigned 12-year-old for one full day and document all social interactions verbatim. Without summarizing or interpretations of said interactions. Offender must capture tone, pauses, and emotional shifts.
Unauthorized Personal Record: Do Not Read. Obviously Someone Will)
Dear, Dia...No that's been outlawed. Why do stupid mages ruin things for people? Some idiot used disappearing ink to prank the archivists. They made government documents start like a diary. Well apparently that means the words, “dear di*ry” created an 'ongoing proliferation of unauthorized reflective documents exhibiting patterns consistent with tiresome noncompliant cognitive behaviors'. I don't know what that means. It's incredibly annoying. Ugh, well, let's start over.
Dear Thought Book,
Thought the book, there is a person following me. He did not even try hiding it. And he was writing things I was doing down.
I mean everything I did today. My mother asked to go to the market. I sighed because I didn't want to go to the market. So I said “I don’t want to go.” Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw him. I saw him write something in some dingy notebook thing with frayed edges. It looked like someone didn't measure the parchment first before angrily nailing the pages together.
His feather was that of a goose. Who uses a goose's feather? That's just obnoxious. He wrote it down though. So to test it I said, “actually I do want to go to the market mother.” She smiled and said something but I wasn't listening. I looked past her and to the grass outside our cottage I saw him for sure that time. He wrote that down too. So I quickly blurted out “no I don’t.”
My mother looked confused, he looked annoyed. But still, he wrote it down anyway. Interesting I thought. Interesting indeed.
But, I needed to test something. So I looked at them, but I paused, longer than comfortable. I could see him fidgeting, he's beginning to sweat. I stay silent, not yet. Then right before he starts to get real upset, I say, “I am going to say something very important.” Then I didn’t say anything. He wrote something down anyway. Well that got me curious. Later when he was asleep, I snuck outside to the tree he was sleeping under and found his notebook.
He wrote, “She was supposed to say something important. Instead, only an exaggerated pause. No statement followed.” That’s not important. That’s nothing. Why is he writing nothing? I tested him further, I ran. So he ran. When I stopped, so did he. When I turned around suddenly, he almost ran into me. He wrote that down as well. I am beginning to get annoyed. I want to know why he is still writing everything I do. Am I wanted? I have been rather dramatic lately, but only vocally. And only towards my brothers, never with entrances. Unless they’re counting dramatic exits now too. I slammed a door last week. No surely that's not it. I can't do big weaves yet so it's not a lack of tithing. I'm only 12 so tidal moon rule doesn't count. It's not even her time anyways. Plus we're synced so that will never be a problem. I was out of guesses, so I asked him why. But he didn’t answer me, which was rude. So I asked again. And again he said nothing. He just looked at me like he was going to cry. I think he just enjoys writing. Maybe this is some weird Illuminorium thing. Artists are always doing weird things.
So I started saying things just to see if he’d keep up. It was probably mean but it was also hilarious and deeply satisfying. How long will he continue? Is there a line he won't cross? Do I have a line? After pondering this for what felt like seconds but was actually ten minutes. I know this because he timed it and wrote it down. So I said the first thing that popped in my head, “I like soup.” He wrote it down instantly.
I continued, “I don’t like soup.” He again writes it. He writes slowly so I talk faster.
“I have never had soup.” I say. He wrote it down! Then, I say something nonsensical, “I am soup.”
I can see him writing it even slower this time. I can practically see him question if he'd heard me correctly.
I saw him, he hesitated. That was interesting.
I got bored after another thirty minutes and went to bed. He went under his tree. Later, I told my friend Penny while we walked to school, “Watch this.”
Then, I whispered something I didn’t even understand. We watched him lean in to hear but he couldn’t. We laughed so hard. He was not amused. Still, he wrote it down. But I didn’t repeat it. Now it exists only in their book, probably goes something like,
“The girl whispered something inaudible to friend.” I don’t even know what it was. That feels powerful. I never get to feel powerful or important. This makes me feel both.
He missed something earlier. I could tell. I don't know what but I pretended I did. I would act like I was going to but then, I didn’t say anything. Then he started checking everything.
Good I thought. He looked like he was losing. I was not doing anything fun and he was even writing that down.
So I asked, “why are you still writing?” but he didn’t answer.
Obviously, I could see he was still writing. I realized that was a bad question.
I asked him, “Do you get in trouble if you miss something?”
No answer. But he looked scared so that probably means yes. I think I understand now. He was not here for me. He was here for everything. That’s impossible though. But still I am going to keep talking. I didn't really have anything to say. But because he had to write it, I said whatever came to mind first. This is my favorite game now. I said something really quietly earlier. He didn’t hear it. But he wrote something anyway. I want to know what He wrote. Tomorrow I am going to talk faster.
