“Good morning, afternoon, or whatever temporal designation you believe applies. Welcome to the Gendarme Headquarters Administrative Lobby of Regret, where all matters of consequence, inconvenience, and questionable decision‑making are processed. Please approach the desk slowly; the floor sensors are still calibrating after last week’s Incident. If you are carrying documents, place them face‑down on the counter so they cannot see what you’ve done."
"If you are not carrying documents, don’t worry — we will assign you some shortly. Should you experience dizziness, existential dread, or the sudden urge to confess something you haven’t done yet, please take a number and wait for your name to be mispronounced. If you are here to file a complaint, please note that the complaint forms are in a mood today. The building can smell fear, but it rarely acts on it before lunch. How may I assist you today? (You will not enjoy your stay).”
Every officer is a Gendarme, but not all Gendarme are Watchers of Confluence or members of the Three Arms of physical law. The headquarters is a living bureaucratic organism where the walls themselves can file legal complaints against you, and the ambient temperature is set to a permanent "mild disappointment."
When a Watcher, a Magistrate, or a Bard needs a ferret for an investigation or trial, they must officially "check out" the asset through this Office.
The Office conducts regular, unannounced surprise audits across all wings to ensure field ferrets are not being actively bribed with sweet cream, overworked, or denied proper burrowing material.
Please report all sightings to the main desk counter immediately. Do not attempt apprehension yourself.
Name: Moustache
Escaped from the academy. He is not mean, just incredibly disrespectful and entirely unfit for civic service. He communicates in our language, but if you chirp at him, he will occasionally chirp back. Contact Phlegm Soupy Stephanie (555-5565).
Wanted for attempting to sell Timeline Customization Machines, only to swindle citizens into purchasing empty boxes. Upon recent confrontation, the perpetrator dryly claimed his machines "simply only went forward in time and at regular speed." May be armed.
Captured by hand drawing while fleeing the scene of a local farmer's Dream Silk Farm. Believed to be of highly nefarious and wicked intent. Do not approach.