In Honor of the anniversary of the first ever recorded Birth Anniversary we, at the Public Pit have declared, All Week Wednesday!
In honor of the historical day, The House is inviting everyone here in the Giltway to our harvest moons Boon Feast! Roasted Boar (hair removed), Muldberry wine & live games.
Today we honor Irimiriel Velspire, the first Atherian to have a formally recorded birth anniversary. A Vespralith that always had a featured sneer at the cafe, and true Philosopher. So, by order of the High Shenanigan I am proud to announce, A week of Wednesdays! All week, pit sneering, shoe pelting and mild entertainment from Giltway Accountants, Farm Participants, Select Gendarme Officers, and Employee of the month four months in a row: Andy Chunknis! Andy is a ficus, and unlike other personified, innanimate objects/plants, Andy here is infact semi-sentient. Scientifically unproven but vhelmently believed, it has been through true friendship and genuine connection, that Andy has demonstrated an, albeit weak, but present unique resonant vibration. We now give the floor to Andy who will now recite the tale of Cheese Face!
The Birth Anniversary Clause: If it's the culprit's birthday, they may choose another body part of greater or equal value for amputation if they wish to keep their dominant hand. (Value is determined by whoever is on duty for the day. It's entirely arbitrary).
Case Log: The Seal of Regrettable Craft & The Rubber-Band Hex
The town crier stood upon the lift, looking out upon the crowd bloodlust colored their eyes. The smirk on his face said it all. The criminals here today sit in judgement for the heinous, despicable, almost unforgivable crimes they've committed. Yes they will experience pain. The exact amount of blood that is lost during hand removals, will be spilt this day. But most of all, these nefarious individuals will suffer a deeply devastating feeling of embarrassment.
“HEAR YE! HEAR YE! CITIZENS OF GILTWAY, RESIDENTS OF THE WARREN, AND ANYONE WHO WAS JUST TRYING TO BUY BREAD—LEND ME YOUR EARS, YOUR ATTENTION, AND YOUR SENSE OF SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT!”
He rang the bell with the force of a man who has waited his whole life for this moment. The crowd hurled insults, screaming "CHEESE FACE!" at the accused. The crime? Heinous forgery. Affixing a counterfeit Masterpiece Seal to a wheel of cheese to grant it illegal artistic protection.
See the Evidence:
The Real Masterpiece Seal:
The Dirty Fake Seal of Regrettable Craft:
The penalty was the revocation of primary hand privileges. The guilty cried out, invoking his birth anniversary rights. The crier turned to the axeman, retrieving the papers.
“It is indeed your birth anniversary,” the crier announced, pausing for dramatic flair. “However! You failed to secure the mandatory notary seal! Therefore, the Registry maintains the right to pretend, that no administrative memory of the alleged occurrence exists." Erupting from silence, the crowd began to sneer at poor Cheese Face.
"By the powers arbitrarily invested in me, by the High Shenangian, I hereby declare your submission to invoke the birth anniversary privileges to be entirely unactionable! Axeman, proceed with sentencing!”
Cheese Face lost a hand that day. He never forged anything ever again.
Next to the block was a man covered in sweat and blood, chained at the wrists. A much more entertaining spectacle. “You are accused and found guilty of the permanent translocation of another’s personal property! A weave lasting almost a sev-night!”
The crowd hollered, hurling degraded agricultural commodities and masonry products. “Ahhh, it was a joke, you jobbernowl!” the inmate growled. He was furious his joke, that had fallen on deaf ears and had led to this. The Gendarmes did not care; they smelled the stink on him, and that was enough.
The Destination:
The sentence was passed: 5 days of spatial debt subject to the “Rubber-Band Hex”. Every time the inmate takes more than three steps in any direction inside the Pit, the hex violently yanks him backward. It is most satisfying to watch.
Let this be a warning, to all those who think forgery and translocating things is a wise decision.